Category: Talking It Out Page 1 of 2

Disordered Thinking

It’s rare that I get all the way to the end of a book before discovering I hate it. It happens (I’m looking at you, Veronica Roth) but usually I can tell if it’s not going to work out in the first couple of chapters. And that’s fine. I don’t mind walking away if all I’ve given is a quarter-hour of my time. But when a book disappoints with its ending, leaving me with the sense that I’ve wasted a good three hours, I get cranky. And that’s starting to happen more than I like these days.

I’m finding that there are far too many books relying on the old trope of “s/he did it because s/he’s nuts!” as an easy solution to the story. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth. First off, because it’s weak. It’s the easiest way out, out of countless easy ways. Readers deserve better. We deserve something original, something that will make us think, leave us questioning what we thought we knew. You can’t achieve that if your entire plot rests on some caricature of mental illness.

And that’s my second reason. Why does it seem like every villain does what they do because they’re batshit crazy? And not even a specific type of mental illness. I’m talking generic looneytunes. Where’s the motivation? Where’s the complexity, the subtle character nuances that really get the reader deep inside their head?

Because here’s the thing: mental illness does not a villain make. There’s this huge stigma surrounding it. If you sit down next to a stranger and tell them you have cancer, you get sympathy and compassion. Probably also some half-baked medical advice. If you tell that same stranger you have a mental illness, they shift themselves a little further away. They shelter their children from you. They have important things to check on their phone.

The reality is, one out of four people will suffer from some form of mental illness in their lifetime. That puts you at 25% odds, whether you like it or not. If not you, maybe one of your kids, or your partner. Some of your friends and family members are mentally ill. And I’m guessing they don’t go around attacking people on the street or stuffing them into trunks of cars.

The trope of using mental illness as a crutch in fiction to explain negative actions isn’t going to go away as long as we keep fearing those who are mentally ill. We need to talk about it, openly, the same way we talk about our diabetes, our heart disease, our oddly-shaped mole that keeps growing. It should be just as acceptable to say “I can’t make it into work today, I’m going through a period of depression,” as it is to say “I can’t make it into work today, I have the flu.”

I address mental illness head-on in my fiction, and I plan to always do so. But you’ll never see me ending a novel with the bad guy being carted off to the psychiatric hospital. No, the characters in my fiction that have mental health issues are protagonists. That’s right. They’re the good guys. My current main character has a severe form of aphephobia, the fear of touch. Maybe in my next book one of the players will have an anxiety disorder, or bulimia, or PTSD. And maybe the people who read it will come away with a little bit of a better understanding of how a mental disorder is only an aspect of a person – it does not define him.

…And We’re Back.

I forgot to compose a blog post for the last two months, it seems. Writing has just been writing. Sometimes I do it. Sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I query. Sometimes I don’t. There have been no major revelations or hurdles in my authorial life lately.

I had surgery at the beginning of September and thought I’d spend my prescribed weeks of recovery at home with my feet up, writing thousands of words every day. It turns out I can’t even comprehend reading on morphine and Percocet, much less writing. I haven’t produced a single word in a month. Yes, it’s my old familiar friend, the midpoint blahs. I’m familiar enough with my routine now to know that the stretch from about 30K to 60K words is rough going even when I’m clear-headed.

I’m also indecisive as hell. Sometimes choices paralyze me and I end up doing nothing at all while my brain parses every single pro, con and outcome in an endless chain of inactivity.

Case in point: I find myself preoccupied with what path to take my writing time on going forward.

  1. Continue writing The Unknowing until I’m finished my first draft. I have about 35K words now and I’m aiming for 100Kish. At my pace, this represents another 4-5 months of work. Complete the trilogy and put it to bed, while continuing to query for it. Pros: the satisfaction of finishing something that’s occupied me for close to three years. Cons: those midpoint blahs. Spending more time on a project that so far has not resulted in any promise of publication.
  2. Put The Unknowing aside for now and begin a new story that so far has only a two-page outline and some scattered ideas in various notebooks. Pros: That new book glow writers get. The excitement of developing new characters and plots. Cons: The fear that I’ll lose the voice of my current project. The self-imposed perception of quitting or giving up.

I’ve been mulling for the better part of a month and I just can’t decide, so I’m going to put it to you, the reader, with the aid of the handy poll function I just discovered I can use. I will wait a week and then base my decision on the results.

Don’t Let the Door Hit You On the Way Out

I like to give things names. Sometimes it makes things easier to talk about. Sometimes it makes things funnier to talk about. Like for instance

(MAJOR OVERSHARE ALERT)

my husband and I call sex ‘sandwiches.’ As in, “hey, want to put the kids to bed, have a late supper and make some sandwiches?” Hilarious, right?

I decided that my depression needs a name too. My depression will from now on be known as Karl. And the time during which I was at my worst will be called Karl’s Terrible Visit.

Karl’s Terrible Visit has come to an end.

I’m still waiting close to the door, hoping Karl doesn’t poke his head back in because he forgot his wallet on the dresser, and could he perhaps have one more cup of coffee? But I think that even if he tried to pull a fast one on me, I’d be able to show him to the curb.

So long and good riddance, Karl. Looking forward to seeing you never again.

(I know that’s probably not likely. Karl and I, we go way back.)

Regardless, I can throw open the windows, let in the sunshine, change the sheets in the spare room where Karl took up residence for the past seven months and look forward to running my own home again.

Thank you, husband who called my doctor when I couldn’t. Thank you, Kid 1 and Kid 2, for being awesome and worth living for. Thank you, friends and family who didn’t give up on me even when I became a terrible, selfish, useless person. Thank you, pharmaceuticals, for helping my brain be just normal enough.

Thank you, me, for always believing I’d make it through somehow.

Onward to bigger and brighter things!

Life. Writing. Whatever.

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Not quite ready to give up on either.

Bitch-Slapping My Inner Editor

I’m editing right now. Fourth draft. The plan – beforehand at least – was to make some tough cuts, chop out a couple characters and some extra scenes, trim it down a bit.

Well I can’t. I don’t want to. It just doesn’t feel right.

Would it bring the reader to a climactic scene a bit sooner? Yes. Around 3,000-ish words sooner. Would it reduce the overall word count? Yes, by about 5-7,000 words, I think.

Would the reader know my protagonist as well, understand what makes her tick a bit better? Definitely not. Would it hinder the story arc over three books? Yes, a little.

I’ve been worried – obsessed, if you want the truth – about the fact that this one pivotal scene happens around a quarter of the way through the book. I’ve gotten it into my head that that’s too long. But the thing is, something like a dozen people have read it so far, and not a single person has shared that sentiment. I think I’ve been so focused on advice that says you have to lay out ALL THE ACTION!!! on the first page, but there’s more than one way to write a book. Do my first few pages lay the foundation for some action? Yes they do. This go-around I’ve been working on ramping up the spookiness so there’s a better sense of impending peril, which admittedly wasn’t as effective as it could be in previous drafts. If I’m doing it right, there should be lots for the reader to worry and wonder about. And those pages leading up to that one big scene certainly aren’t devoid of action. There’s lots going on.

I’m coming to the realization that cutting the chracters and scenes I was contemplating really does a disservice to the story. The reader needs to know who Callie was before in order to appreciate the way she changes throughout the series. By cutting all those parts, she’s less vibrant, less passionate, less anchored to her old life.

Are there still some thoughtful changes to be made? Absolutely. But this is going to be my final draft. I can’t keep going back and forth on this issue, wondering if I should or shouldn’t. It’s time to finish it and move on.

Wish me luck!

Farewell, Summer

I sat outside in the yard for what will probably be the last time this year, the sun shining on my face, and wrote. We’re expecting our first snowfall early next week, and I work during the day tomorrow and Monday. I’ve loved writing this summer. Being outside has been so inspirational for me, and I’ll miss it until spring comes around again.

It’s probably fitting then that I’m coming to the end of my book just as summer’s also winding down. There’s a remote possibility that I may even finish tonight – I’m on the last chapter, I’ve already written 2,000 words and I still have the whole night ahead of me. Then I have to decide if I want to tackle re-writing the first two chapters right away, or sit on the whole thing for a bit. I’ve been thinking on those chapters for awhile and I’m fairly confident I know what I want to do with them. Then once they’re bright and shiny new I can rest up a bit and do my revisions as planned at the beginning of November. Sounds like a good plan to me…

NaNoWriMo Sadness

I realized with some dismay today that I won’t be doing NaNoWriMo this year. Come November, I’m committed to having a finished first draft on deck to start editing. I certainly won’t be in any frame of mind to start Book 2 at that point.

Doing NaNo last year was the kickstart that got me believing I could give writing fiction a go. I’ve been doing freelance journalism for close to a decade now but had always wanted to write a book. Various things kept me from trying in all that time – we’ll out fear as the top one, and belief that I didn’t have the time as the second. Then last year a friend and I basically double-dared each other to do NaNo, and I found out that there definitely was time in the day for it once I conquered that fear of starting (my hands were literally shaking when I typed out the first few sentences). I went a little crazy last November, neglecting myself, my family, friends and all other writing commitments shockingly, but around the 27th I “won,” penning my 50,000th word. And it felt so good to do it that a few months later when this idea came barrelling into my brain, I actually had the confidence to sit down and start to write it out. Six and a half months later I’ve learned so much about how I can be a better writer and grown this little kernel of an idea into a thorny bramble of a story, so it’s kind of a drag that NaNo won’t be a part of my life this year since I feel I owe it so much.

Next best will be cheering on my friends who do take on the challenge, and hopefully scrounging up a few bucks to donate or spend in the NaNo shop, and that’ll have to do until 2013 when hopefully the timing works out a bit better.

Conflict with Conflict

I’ve been writing this argument scene for a couple days, and the dialogue just isn’t falling together for me. Everything sounds really awkward, and I can’t come up with better words for my characters to express themselves with. I think I have a really good sense of the emotions and the non-verbal aspects of the argument, but what they’re saying isn’t coming out right. When I run through the scene in my head, there’s a lot of gesturing and facial expressions and whatnot, but no dialogue. It’s frustrating! Sharing (and avoiding sharing) feelings is so awkward sometimes. I roughed in a few sentences, but it’s definitely something I have to come back to later.

In my own life, I’m a conflict avoider, so it’s no surprise to me I’m struggling with this one. Callie, however, can be a conflict provoker. She often speaks without thinking and will use words as weapons, so this is something I’m really going to have to work on, especially since there are many, many more conflicts in her future.

At least I have the luxury of doing what I’ve always wished I could in real life: going back and changing what I said hours later when I think of a way better line.

The Slump

I suppose everyone goes through it – that period of time where you just don’t want to write anything. Mine’s about one week in right now, and my not writing has really bled into my everyday life. I haven’t been all that enthusiastic about anything, frankly, and not sleeping well either. Whether that’s caused by my break from the keyboard, or is the cause, I can’t be certain, but this past week hasn’t been pretty, let me tell you.

I think a lot of it had to do with my not being too certain on the outcome of a scene that I’m in the middle of. I left it off right before the turning point because it was late and I was tired, but then I began to second-guess what I’d originally planned. I just wasn’t feeling it. So then I thought of an alternate outcome, but that felt even worse to me. Although it would be maybe more satisfying to readers in the short term, it didn’t fit with the overall story arc and would have made things a lot messier down the line. So I’ve been stewing, going back and forth between Option A and Option B, feeling impatient to get to the next bit after this scene, which I’m very, very certain about.

Then Secret Option C snuck into my head yesterday, right when I was at my lowest point and frustrated over my inability to make up my mind. Secret Option C uses elements from both Options A and B, with a completely different outcome than either of them. It feels right. And now if I can step away from the blog for a bit, I’ll get down to writing it. I’ve missed these people. I want back into their world.

What’s in a name, and all that

By far one of the hardest things about writing for me is choosing names for my fictitious people and places. Callie is actually the third or fourth name for that character, and while in the context of the story it’s the best fit, it’s still not my favourite, although it’s grown on me quite a bit. I’m constantly googling things like “french names for boys” or “common last names” because I can never come up with anything I like on my own. Nothing derails my writer’s flow like introducing a new character – whether significant or incidental – and having to call them something.

It’s been mentioned to me that some of my creations’ appellations are a bit too trendy, and I suppose when looked at in a group, that’s true, but I strongly resist having a book full of Joes and Marys and Bills.

Tonight I’ve actually stopped writing for the night in mid-sentence – “He introduced himself as detective…” rather than spend twenty minutes struggling to come up with something I like the sound of. That’ll be the first thing I can tackle tomorrow night with a fresh head.

It’s nice when something just clicks though. Awhile back I was on the bus coming home from work and saw a word carved into the wall of a bus shelter and knew exactly which character I’d give it to. But that’s just one name, and it’s not the one I need tonight.

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