Tag: recovery

Don’t Let the Door Hit You On the Way Out

I like to give things names. Sometimes it makes things easier to talk about. Sometimes it makes things funnier to talk about. Like for instance


my husband and I call sex ‘sandwiches.’ As in, “hey, want to put the kids to bed, have a late supper and make some sandwiches?” Hilarious, right?

I decided that my depression needs a name too. My depression will from now on be known as Karl. And the time during which I was at my worst will be called Karl’s Terrible Visit.

Karl’s Terrible Visit has come to an end.

I’m still waiting close to the door, hoping Karl doesn’t poke his head back in because he forgot his wallet on the dresser, and could he perhaps have one more cup of coffee? But I think that even if he tried to pull a fast one on me, I’d be able to show him to the curb.

So long and good riddance, Karl. Looking forward to seeing you never again.

(I know that’s probably not likely. Karl and I, we go way back.)

Regardless, I can throw open the windows, let in the sunshine, change the sheets in the spare room where Karl took up residence for the past seven months and look forward to running my own home again.

Thank you, husband who called my doctor when I couldn’t. Thank you, Kid 1 and Kid 2, for being awesome and worth living for. Thank you, friends and family who didn’t give up on me even when I became a terrible, selfish, useless person. Thank you, pharmaceuticals, for helping my brain be just normal enough.

Thank you, me, for always believing I’d make it through somehow.

Onward to bigger and brighter things!

The Universe Provides

I believe in the Universe. I believe that if you try to be in tune with it, and allow yourself to be open so it can be in tune with you, then it will give you what you need. That’s what spirituality looks like to me. No rules, no morality, no acts of devotion, just the opportunity to listen and be listened to. We are all made of cosmic dust and atoms that are billions of years old. The Universe is in all of us.

And the Universe provides.

Usually we spend most of our time blocking out our effects on nature, the people around us and ourselves. Or maybe you don’t, I don’t know. I do. I like to keep my world small because it’s harder to comprehend the big picture.  My last post made it clear I’m not in a good headspace right now. It seems like it’s only when I’m unhappy that I start seeing what makes other people unhappy too. The things they don’t say out loud. The things they endure in silence. I can’t always do something about it, but I can at least say that I see it, that I know they’re struggling. That I can listen to them if they want to talk, or I can listen to their not-talk if that’s better. I listen a lot better when my life isn’t going the way I want it to. And when I start listening to others, I start listening to myself too, all the things I don’t say or that I don’t even know I want to say. The things between the words and thoughts.

I also spend a lot of time looking for answers and screaming “WHY?” at the stars. Usually only in my head, but sometimes out loud (in my car so the neighbours don’t become alarmed). And I open myself up to the answers that I haven’t previously wanted to face.

Sometimes the answer to “WHY?” is big. So big it takes your breath away. Crushes you under its weight. Sometimes it’s so small, so simple, you laugh because you can’t believe you had to go through so much hardship to find it.

And then once you’ve faced “WHY?,” once you start to wrap your head around it, comes another important question, this one usually a whisper. “how?”

And this is where the Universe provides. Things that previously seemed impossible fall into place like the world is rearranging itself to personally raise you up from the dark pit “WHY?” has thrown you into.

It can be as small as remembering that a half hour’s hard swim can make you feel like puking and laughing and that you can’t stand after and how great a feeling that is.

It can be a five-minute backrub with the homemade lotion made with the citrus oil that always calms you and brightens your spirits.

It can be realizing you can make it to yoga twice a week despite your hectic schedule because the studio’s schedule aligns with yours almost perfectly.

It can be as big as knowing that having something huge and exciting to look forward to can improve your mental outlook a thousand percent, and then within hours having a friend point out there’s a seat sale to Iceland on right now, and half-jokingly suggesting, should we go? And then six other friends decide to tag along and suddenly you’re on your way for a madcap long weekend to a place you’ve always wanted to see with your best friends in only a few weeks.

It can be as small as wondering with your husband if you can make shawarmas at home and then having someone you know post a recipe online for exactly that a couple hours later.

Since my last post I’ve been trying so hard to listen to myself and figure out what needs to change in my life. There isn’t one Holy Grail of an answer, the magic switch that will switch to ‘all better.’ It’s not that easy. And I’m not stupid enough to think that I can fix things without a lot of hard work. This isn’t my first rodeo. But if the Universe is going to give me all these signs, all these offerings to help get me back on my feet, the least I can do is do the work on my end.